SOME ALTERNATIVE CAREER CHOICES IN 2017 by Malik Awuzie
After my last article I received a letter from the DSS asking that I appear at their office for an interview…which is strange seeing as I didn’t even apply for a Job there but I’m always looking for new opportunities anyways, which brings us to this article. Our Economy is in worse health than our president. Do you remember when we were kids and when you cry your parents said “I will soon give you a reason to cry” I always thought they meant they would beat me, never did I imagine they meant they will ruin the country 20 years later.
Financial security is now more important than ever, personally I have always been passionate about not starving to death, and now that our Country’s economy is the equivalent of a dead squirrels remains, its clear that we all need alternative sources of income or new careers to embark on these days, and seeing as we all cant become fashion designers , make up artists or photographers, I have taken the liberty of listing a couple of trendy modern day jobs in Nigeria that you didn’t realize could make you quite a decent income, In the last two weeks I’ve been busier than a one legged man in a Penis kicking contest, Im actually putting this down on Valentines day because I have nothing to do, apparently my Girlfriend wanted me to be more like her Ex.. so I broke up with her, now I feel a lot like her Ex. In between Work and Drinking my liver to expiration, I have had to watch the people with these jobs make a fortune while doing things that require little to no effort. I went to the Vanguard newspapers office for a job but apparently the Headlines on their paper “Community Still looking for Local Rapist” was not a Vacancy after all, but that’s fine because these guys have vacancies
STRATEGIC FINANCIAL SOLICITATION.
if you were recently released from incarceration in a prison or have just managed to escape from a lifetime of bondage being used as an object of sexual gratification in some lunatics dungeon, then its entirely possible that you may not be familiar with a couple of individuals who stand in specific locations where financial transactions occur to appeal passionately for financial assistance to enable them fund the next days solicitation. If you were picturing the people below then you CLEARLY MISSED THE TITLE OF THE JOB DESCRIPTION
*YOU DEY FORM BIG MAN INSIDE BENZ, I KNOW SAY NA MECHANIC YOU BE…I JUST WAN TRY MY LUCK
No I mean Educated, well spoken, even better dressed members of society who place themselves in conspicuous locations with a well rehearsed story describing how they have been inconvenienced by some random occurrence and would require some financial assistance in a specific amount to achieve their intended objectives. Now we have all been in unfortunate circumstances and required assistance even from random strangers just to help us achieve some objective, maybe you misplaced money, maybe your car broke down, maybe you needed to complete payment for something, or even just a kidney so you could live, honestly even I have had to ask favors from people on numerous occasions.
*PLEASE JUST ONE THREESOME WITH YOUR ROOMATE
This is not the case here, the people I describe simply aim to extort as much money from you by taking advantage of your human compassion, its as if they heard that Jesus’s death paid the price for our sins and they don’t want their money to waste. let me paint a picture, about two weeks ago just leaving my office when a middle aged woman approached me brandishing a huge wad of naira notes, saying that she came from outside Abuja , she needed to complete payment for something and she required just N500, I gave her my only N1000 because I had no change and went off to Church (as if I’m going to say I went to buy Igbo). An hour later and two streets away, I went to buy meat pie because of all the hunger from the..er.. Church activities, and here is the same woman telling some men a few feet away from me that she needed to pay school fees, and showing them some money. Now normally I wouldn’t recognize her but my IBO SENSE RECOGNIZED THE SERIAL NUMBERS ON THE INDIVIDUAL NOTES IN THE SAME WAD OF MONEY that she had used to fraudulently induce me, except now my own N1000 was inside, Its like watching the girl you gave your virginity to walking past you to go screw your elder brother in the same room that you did the deed WITHOUT EVEN REMEMBERING YOU (not that I would know anything about how that feels). If that wasn’t enough, she had the audacity to come up to me while I was eating WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SHAWARMA to ask me again!! My only regret was that I didn’t have enough middle fingers to let her know how I feel.
WHY IS IT A LUCRATIVE JOB?
There’s little to nothing illegal about this job, you can work flexible hours, and you get to dress respectably as a productive member of society, lets do the math, in a 9 – 5 working day of 8hours, you meet 30 people, Assuming N500 * 30 = N15,000 per day * 20 working days = N 300,000.00!
DIRECTORATE OF ROAD TRAFFIC SERVICES OPERATIONS OFFICER
Granted, Federal government work is less profitable these days as we have realized that corruption doesn’t pay because the Government hates competition, however some officials take pride in their job and should be commended for their activities as upstanding citizens who uphold the highest form of integrity to ensure that the strictest compliance to laid down rules are observed and enjoy a sense of pride at the benefit that their selfless service provides at making the world a better place, the people shown above ARE NOT THOSE GUYS..NOT BY ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION.
If you have ever driven a car in Nigeria, been driven by a friend, screamed for your life while a taxi driver tried to escape them or you’re just one of those people who had a vision of hell, then chances are you have met these individuals…or more likely they have met you. These individuals are regular government officials who inspect road worthiness of vehicles and licenses but that’s about the extent of it, any other similarities they may share with a human being IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. These brood of vipers have devised intelligent and advanced methods to prey on unsuspecting individuals, whether its CAUSING TRAFFIC JAMS EARLY IN THE MORNING, or DETAINING VEHICLES IMMEDIATELY, they are up to the task. If you ever dreamed of a time in your life when your children ask you “Daddy, what do you do for a living?” and you have to reply, “I make people miss deadlines, appointments and even business deals” then this occupation is just the right fit for you. Let’s just recap the reason why we have officials doing jobs, its because they can use their discretion to assess certain situations and make a judgment using their influence as the situation presents itself, the V.I.O officers don’t do this. What that means is if while doing their routine daily vehicle check, assuming there’s a pregnant woman who’s about to go into labor, and her papers are a week overdue, even if in their presence, her water breaks, she begins to bleed out intensively and profusely , she’s screaming and shouting and clawing and in clearly unbearable pain or even shows signs of losing loses consciousness, the VIO officers will always try and provide a chair in their office and buy pure water, but it is highly unlikely they allow her vehicle be released to her to take her to the hospital, they may clear the area briefly to allow her give birth in peace in their office then wait till she’s conscious enough to pay them before her car is released to her, all while calling her an ungrateful lady.
*SHE LOST THE BABY, BUT LUCKILY FOR HER, THE VEHICLE PAPERS SURVIVED.
Its not entirely the fault of the officers for not understanding the purpose of the Job, but being a bag of dicks is entirely their fault. What we re saying in essence is that back in Biblical times when Jesus sent his disciples into the village to bring in the Donkey he was going to ride into Jerusalem for the triumphant entry, if they existed, the Vehicle Inspection Office would have put an end to all that nonsense instantly and detained the Donkey.
*ALAS, HAVE THOU NO LISCENCE TO RIDE THIS ASS?? SHALL YE MOUNT AN ASS WITHOUT A LISCENCE… ARE THOU HUGH HEFNER?
Vehicle registration and licensing is very important on its own and its what helps to identify a vehicle when it is stolen, so Here’s the best part, would you like to know how many stolen vehicles this Glorious hardworking department charged solely with registering vehicles and issuing licenses has recovered ?
Do a quick Google search I’ll wait…
*NOT ONE FREAKING ONE!!!
WHY IS IT A LUCRATIVE JOB?
Well besides being a full time employee of Beelzebub, you also work for the Federal Government, which isn’t so bad, and much unexpectedly the V.I.O officers refuse to “fine” you on the spot for infarctions, they would much rather you paid amounts up to N50,000, to their office account than N10, 000 to them personally. Incase you failed math in school these figures do not make sense to ANY normal human being, we have to consider that there are considerable commissions in their office for the number of peoples lives you inconvenience. Since I was stopped THREE FREAKING TIMES in one journey between my house to my office, if you haven’t seen them yet, then you need to stop flying by broom and give your soul to Christ.
SOCIAL MEDIA ENERTAINMENT
I’m just going to jump right into this one because you need to get back to the porn you were watching before you opened this article. Quick question …do you know what the basic similarity between these people is??
If you guessed that they are the most unattractive women you have ever seen then you’re close. These gentlemen are Social Media Entertainers and Comedians who develop creative and entertaining scripts based on today’s society and reenact them as both Men and Women. Now a few years ago Comedians strived for years to get time to perform their jokes on stage in front of people through hard work, determination and being used as slaves by other comedians, however these talented modern day folk have utilized the power of instagram and youtube to cut the middleman and take their content directly to the fans, this has given them numerous endorsements and booked stand up comedy appearances for them, without the rigors that some older comedians we have now had to go through, this just goes to show you, just when you thought you won the rat race, along come faster rats. So yeah this is something you can actually take advantage of, you just need a great sense of humor, creative talent, Camera phone and if you can’t hire any female staff, get a wig and dress like a woman. This brings us to this ogre….
*WHAT HE LACKS IN BASIC VOCABULARY HE MAKES UP FOR IN STDS
If you have never seen this Batman Villain , then Congratulations, you have a life. We cant all be funny comedians but what If you don’t have creative talent, sense of humour or a life, Can you still dress like a woman and prance around? Yes apparently you can… Denrele was our first drag queen and he was really popular but now he’s as prevalent as the Wall clock in the background of a lesbian sex scene, however this guy is bringing it back and now he’s become popular for it too. Guys… There was a reason God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah, reduced it to ashes and even turned Lots Wife into a Pillar of Salt.
*HE COULD HAVE TURNED HER TO STONE BUT SEASONING WAS DIFFICULT TO
FIND IN A RECENTLY OBLITERATED CITY.
I mean if youre going to dress like a woman you might as well do it well right? What did you now spend all that time in the closet for? Anyways the title of this article is ALTERNATIVE CAREER OPTIONS IN 2017 and that’s exactly what this is, I don’t really care what anyone does for a living and I hope you picked some interesting career options from this, even this Guy or girl above is talented at something, apparently he Mixes “special” Lotions and crèmes for Women which he also uses on himself to give him that almost corpseish look that he so loves, I wouldn’t order any if i were a guy though, unless you fancy being sodomized by an ethereal penis ogre, besides you might not er. react well to some additives.
*HIS SECRET INGREDIENT IS OBVIOUSLY SEMEN.
Sorry, I promise to write more Educative articles next time