he alleged gruesome murder of sensational music artist Zainab Alizee, and daughter Zetra, reportedly by her Danish Husband Peter Nielsen, left many questioning elements that shape matrimonial affairs of the modern age. Nevertheless, this is not a new tale about marital crash and burn, but a vivid example to divulge the steady inner conflicts of matrimony and relationship in general. One of the leading factors that breeds such horrific and abusive scenes isn’t farther away from toxicity in relationships, which eventual end begets domestic violence. The problem doesn’t lie solely on toxic relationship, but rather what is and how best can one possibly shun it before it begets its venomous end which is domestic violence. Indefinitely large number of people have in one manner or another gotten involved and presently many are still closely tied in one toxic relationship without due knowledge. The fact that we fail utterly to differentiate them has led many to their unfortunate end just like Alizee and Zetra her daughter.
Toxic relationship is any relationship that is unconducive to you or others involved. The groundwork of any relationship, healthy or not, are most commonly established upon mutual admiration and respect, but can, in time, become notably unhealthy. It is the noxious ambiance that distinguishes a merely bad or troublesome relationship from a toxic relationship. Toxic relationships can prevent those involved from living a productive and healthy life. Toxic relationships can be caused by two polar antonym character types. The toxicity is caused by the incompatibility of the persons involved in the relationship. In some cases, there is no one necessarily to blame for the toxicity; rather, the toxicity is caused by the inability to commune and establish healthy boundaries, conversations, and communication.
Just like popularly said, “it takes two to tango” doesn’t occur in many cases, individuals most times enter relationships for needful reasons, personal gratifications and greed. The existentiality and total dominance of physical and fiscal strength in most relationships, have done more harm in exalting excellently total dominance of one partner over another, replacing the ethical principle of mutual respect and admiration in relationship. It created the ALPHA and PREY. The alpha, who consistently is preying, seeking to emotionally and psychologically dehydrate the prey, removing whatever is possible for their own greedy benefits. Such individuals have manipulative mentality, and will frequently maneuver their way into any relationship that they perceive as beneficial. It is note worthy, toxic people are rarely aware of their toxicity, most are well engrossed in their emotions, selfish goals and greedy interests, without being aware of their significant figure’s interests.
However, when the incompatibility of self goals, emotions, and interests becomes unbearable, it stands no chance of repair but more harm, instantaneously begetting various forms of domesticated violence. Women are faced with the greater challenge when it comes to domesticated form of physical violence, which includes rapes,slapping,kicking,molestation, and murder, all emanating from the factor reasons; either their husband is intoxicated under alcoholism, lack of money/financial challenges, or rejection of sexual advances. Lopsidedness in relationships is also attributed to domestic violence on womenfolk, this mostly occurs when the female partner is well under a paying job or earns more than the male, this sense of lack of super financial control, leads men into doing the outrageous on their female partners. This also includes men who are habitual lovers of dominance in relationships. Famously, Actress Mercy Aigbe, who was physically and emotionally manhandled roughly by husband, afterwards turned anti-domestic violence preacher and greatly condemned the case of Alizee. Unbiasedly, it tells us how much women, not just unsuccessful, but the well socially built and successful pass through such poisonous pains and fate in marriage. This and so many more are those scathing physical forms of domestic violence experiences women pass through daily.
Furthermore, the 2008 Demographic and Health Survey showed that over 30.5% of married women have experienced at least one or more forms of physical, emotional or sexual violence in their marriage. Sexual violence is no exception. It’s quite disheartening, at same time amusing to cognize that a number of married women are sexually assaulted by their husbands as well.
Have you started sensing warning signs that may indicate you have entered a toxic relationship. Few questions to engage your thoughts… Are you in a toxic relationship? How does this person make you feel? Do you feel safe in the presence of the person? Do you feel your children, partners, or others are safe? Have you ever felt emotional or psychological distress when interacting with the person? Do you feel that you are on guard around this individual? Is the person manipulative or conniving? Have you ever felt the person may push moral, ethical, or legal boundaries? Do you ever feel as though the person adds unnecessary challenges to your life? Do you feel emotionally drained after dealing with the person?
The above questions are so sternly weighty right now to be sorted and source for it’s answers and solutions. However if not, Are you willing to succumb to the negativity of the relationship? Are you willing to endure the anxieties, stress, and troubles that might engulf the relationship?.
Toxic relationships are not always made up of personality disorders or people with psychological ailment. Toxic relationships may be made up of good people with bad or poor relations.
If you expect to return a dysfunctional relationship to health through an expedited approach, the chances of achieving your goal is slim. If you’re trying to return to better days within the relationship, then you may be returning to the same problems that you previously experienced. Rather, you should reach for a newness within your dysfunctional relationship. You should seek to obtain new insights, new communication styles and strategies, and new problem-solving skills. Do not expect to live as before, but rather expect to live a life better than you have ever experienced. Toxic relationships can be made up of poor choices, bad decisions, and wrong turns in life.
Significantly, all the above might just have been long covert problems which late Alizee might have been experiencing with her Danish hubby, but couldn’t disengage herself from it, due to one reason or the other. Alizee might have made those wrong decisions, negative choice preference which did cost not only her marriage, but most painfully her life and that of her lovely daughter Zetra in cold blood. It’s now earnest than ever to ask oneself questions regarding the allegiance to such marriage, courtship, and relationship, which breeds nothing but temporal poisonous atmosphere, which the end product is long lasting domestic violence, resulting to one’s ultimate cessation of life.
In the words of Asa Brown “Toxic relationship is like a good pasta that has been overcooked. An overcooked pasta may have started off as eatable, but in time, if too much heat is applied, a good, eatable pasta becomes barely tolerable or unable to be consumed”.
You can either give negativity power over your life or you can choose happiness instead. Take control and choose to focus on what is important in your life. Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life.
Written By: Umeh Valentine